


Of Dates And Christmas Trees

by Mamogirl



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Alternate Universe, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, First Kiss, Fluff and a little bit of Drama, M/M, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2018-05-12 09:15:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5660926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mamogirl/pseuds/Mamogirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>The first time Nick met Brian it was totally accidental. Literally. A causality. Or, as Nick liked and loved to think, it was as if the sky had looked down and decided that those two lonely souls would be perfect for each other and had to meet somehow.</i>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Written for the "Make The Yultide Gay 2015".</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Dates And Christmas Trees

Of Dates and Christmas Trees

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The first time Nick met Brian it was totally accidental. Literally. A causality. Or, as Nick liked and loved to think, it was as if the sky had looked down and decided that those two lonely souls would be perfect for each other and had to meet somehow.

Anyhow. Literally.

That day Nick was simply going back home after a long, way too long day at the gallery where he had been working for the past years; the working hours had left him with a throbbing headache and the longing to crawl under the blankets and only come out somewhere between the next two months and a year. That was how exhausted he was and the sad and quite scary thing was that it was only going to get worse the more the world came closer to Christmas: December was always the busiest time of the year because everyone seemed to obsess over the idea of an original painting as a gift, so he always ended up with more than ten orders per week.

Of course that day the subway had to be full, the chatting and the too loud voices doing nothing to alleviate his headache and that first shade of irritation echoing inside his veins; people came and went, swirling around in their coats and ~~those~~ multicolored hats that resembled reindeers or Santa Claus, snowflakes of different sizes and shapes and too cute penguins that wished a merry Christmas to whoever would read them. Students mixed up with businessmen; families were all gathered up together with bags full of gifts; bells of girls and boys, with rosy cheeks and chocolate-scented breaths, were planning the next adventure once the schools would be closed for the holidays and, at last, tourists were gathered in front of the doors in fear to lose their stop. New York was usually assaulted with tourist during Christmas, probably because of all those movies and scenes that made them believe the city was some kind of winter wonderland, a place where all dreams and wishes could and would come alive.

The train was full, people all crammed together and a petri dish of aromas and perfumes all so different and all so strong; Nick was hanging on to the pole hoping not to crash into the people sitting in front of him and, mostly and surely, not against the cute guy standing next to him.

Oh, he was cute indeed.

The guy was shorter than him, his head barely reaching Nick’s chin. And he was small, that kind of small that made you want to pick him up with your hands and put him into one of your pockets, so that you could bring him everywhere; that kind of small that made it possible to wear layers and layers of clothes without falling into the risk of resembling a giant and enormous balloon. From his grey wooden hat escaped a few curls of hair, and Nick had spent almost four stops studying and observing it really carefully, trying to find the perfect name for its shade and color. It wasn’t the simple blond that almost half of the people were gifted with from birth or got thanks to a bottle, and it wasn’t light brown, either. That hair reminded Nick of ~~the~~ summer, of those long and lazy days spent lying in a golden field and just letting the sun caress his skin; it reminded him of the taste of ~~the~~ honey, that sweet sugar that melted inside a warm tea and left traces of its passage on the lips.

Nick was so caught up into observing the guy’s hair that he didn’t noticed or heard the sound of the train’s brakes screeching, announcing that they had arrived at the next station; Nick hadn’t prepared himself, had neither braced himself nor gripped the metal pole a bit tighter. So, when the train finally came to a stop, Nick found himself crashing ~~literally~~ against the cute guy, causing both of them to end up on the floor.

“Shit! Sorry, sorry! I didn’t mean, I wasn’t totally paying attention and...” Nick started to ramble apologies after apologies, his face burning with shame and so much embarrassment that he kept his eyes low not daring to look into the guy’s.

“It’s okay. – Came a gentle and amused voice. Like a balsam, that voice managed to soothe and caress Nick’s hurt pride, melting away part of that shame that made is heart beat like a beast trapped in a cage. – It can happen. I wasn’t paying attention either.” The owner of the voice continued to say, offering a comforting smile.

And it was that smile, that warmth irradiating from a simple curve of the lips, that managed to get past Nick’s shame and, with a slight and sweet caress, made him raise his head and meet Brian’s gaze. Time stopped to move its fingers and it seemed as if everything was running into slow motion; the world around Nick had seemed to dissolve, all his senses were just locked into those blue eyes that were staring at him as if they were watching, observing and studying the most beautiful painting in the whole universe. Words didn’t need to be spoken once again, their hearts and souls seemed to have already found a way to link together and say things they both couldn’t yet understand: they were crashing into each other, not only physically, melting as if their souls had just been waiting all of their life for that moment to happen.

“Are you gonna move? People need to get out, you know.” A stranger’s voice came up from reality, snapping Brian and Nick out of that surreal fragment of time and space they had been stuck in.

“Yeah, sure. – Brian murmured as Nick helped him on his feet. – Sorry.” They both got off along with the rushing people that needed to get home or go wherever their destination was. They stood there, face to face, cheeks red and eyes shining for because of something they couldn’t explain or determine.

“Are you okay? I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

“Don’t worry. – Brian smiled even bigger, readjusting his bag that, thankfully, hadn’t opened and scattered books and notes all over the surface of the train. – I’m okay. My mom always says that I must be made of rubber since I’ ~~ve~~ always manage to bounce back.”

“Oh, well. That’s good. That’s really good. I mean, not the fact that you’re made of rubber because clearly you’re in ~~a~~ perfect shape and all but… - Nick let out an exasperated breath, suddenly conscious of the words coming out from his mouth. – What I meant was that it’s good that you haven’t hurt yourself.”

Brian couldn’t help but keep smiling over how adorable and extremely cute that guy looked when he was all frustrated and rambling around. It made him want to poke a little bit harder, a slight and playful joke just to see that pink on his cheeks become a little bit darker while the light blue of his eyes changed into something that resembled a sky without clouds.

“I got what you were trying to say. – He just ushered out, leaving a trail of warm comfort in the echo of his words. – And I hope you didn’t hurt yourself either.”

“Nope, my head is too hard to actually risk of damaging it.”

“Well, thankfully this is my stop so… I guess I’ll see you around?”

Nick panicked a little because the truth was that he didn’t want to let that guy go. Not when fate, or causality, had decided to operate in his favor and create the perfect situation to make the two of them meet. Okay, maybe there were much better situations than that one but Nick wasn’t going to argue about it. He really liked that guy, he would love to have another chance to see that smile and know him a little bit better.

“I know it might sound crazy but... – Nick looked nervous, a hand massaging the back of his neck as he bite down his lips now and then. - … but I would love to see you again.”

Brian was taken aback by the admission, not used to being hit on at all, since he pretty much walked by without being noticed. And, if something like that did happen, it usually didn’t happen with guys like Nick. Guys who looked like they’d just come out straight from the latest famous and popular movie, guys who you couldn’t help but stare at and wonder how, in the world, they could share the same air and oxygen as you. And Brian wasn’t like that. Brian was the total opposite, he was the kind of guy who didn’t bother to dress up to try and get noticed, but felt more comfortable wearing clothes there were casual and comfy. Mostly, he wasn’t the kind of guy who would accept a stranger’s proposal.

But...

But something inside Brian was pushing him into Nick’s arms, metaphorically speaking. Maybe it was the air of Christmas creeping and sweeping inside his heart, that particular atmosphere filled with love and magic and so able to go over someone’s walls, those barriers built through the years to avoid suffering and feeling lonely. Or maybe it was the fact that Brian wanted so bad to fall in love, to love and be loved in return; he wanted to have someone who could share part of his life and, maybe, he did want to be noticed by someone, to be attracted and feel attractive. Or, much simply, pushing him was the mere fact that Brian would have loved to see Nick again too. That something was a spark that had changed the air around them when their bodies had brushed and touched each other; that something filled the air and the wind with so much electricity and attraction that it was impossible to turn around and simply walk away. It had been a brief and casual touch. But, nonetheless, in that volatile moment when their eyes met and gazed into each other, time had seemed to stop and hold on, as if it wanted to watch and observe what was happening. Everything had changed, both of them had been changed, in that moment and there was that basic and primitive need to see and taste how much.

“I don’t even know your name.” Brian replied, a tiny smile curving his lips and a playful light brightening up the blue of the eyes, making it look like something that could shine only from a dream.

A wave of warmth came over Nick as a realization hit him and left him breathless for a bunch of seconds: he might had made a fool of himself but, somehow, it had worked. Somehow Nick had managed to catch that angel’s attention and there was no way that he was going to miss that chance. To let that train leave without him, to see something that might be amazing dissolving only because he hadn’t tried. He hadn’t been bold enough.

“My name’s Nick. Actually, my full name’s Nickholas but only my parents used to call me like that. So just call me Nick. If you want to call me, of course. I’m Nick.” Nick rambled about, a little bit more nervous as people kept passing by unfazed, as if it nothing was going on in front of their eyes.

As if two lives weren’t about to change forever.

“Well, Nick. – Brian replied, his smile bigger, as he longed to reach out and ruffle that blond hair wiping away any trace of embarrassment that shouldn’t redden that face. – My name is Brian. Just Brian. Nice to meet you.” He said, holding out his hand in front of Nick.

“Nice to meet you, just Brian.” Nick shook his hand and there, once again, sparks flew as if they were invisible and colored birds.

Suddenly the sound of the train’s door closing behind Nick interrupted that moment of unspoken words between the two guys. Nick didn’t mind losing his train home, seriously. How could he mind that small and not so important detail if it meant spending some more time with Brian?

He was totally fine with it.

“I think I made you miss your train.” Brian said with an apologetic tone.

“Oh, that’s okay – Nick replied with a shrug. – I can catch another one. Or walk home. It’s not a problem.”

“Really?”

“Really. I’m okay. Don’t worry.”

“I still feel sorry. Do you live far away?”

“Not much. And it’s okay. It’s not your fault. I’m the one who fell over you.”

“Yes, but...”

“No buts. It’s my fault and I don’t mind walking home. Maybe, if you still feel sorry for this poor soul walking home all by itself...”

“Oh, a poor soul? – Brian rolled his eyes, loving that playful banter between them. – I can’t ignore a poor soul’s request.”

“The poor soul’s request is just to being able to walk part of his journey with you. Oh gosh. – Nick passed a hand over his eyes, trying to hide his expression as he realized how he sounded like. – I’m a stalker. I’m that obsessed guy who first fall against you and then stalks you until you have to turn and run away as fast as possible.”

Instead than nodding and agreeing with him, Brian just laughed: it was ~~the~~ a lovely sound, silver bells ringing in what could only be described as a melody of happiness. Nick found himself already in love with that sound, not even a little bit afraid of looking and acting like an idiot if the reward was that sound. That screwed up face, cheeks pinched and colored with a shade of pink that made Brian look like a teenager. A child who had just spent half of his afternoon playing in the snow. Butterflies seemed to have mistaken Nick’s stomach for an infinite sky, their wings spreading and flying as orange and red feelings glowed like an invisible and impalpable sun.

“A poor soul can’t be a stalker.” Brian just said, still echoes of laughter inside his voice.

“I promise. Cross on my heart.” Nick even placed a hand upon his heart, as if he wanted to make his promise even more serious and real.

“Plus, you don’t sound so obsessed.”

“That’s good. I guess?”

“You guess right. – Brian replied, taking his gloves out from the pockets of his jacket – Plus, I don’t mind not having to walk alone. And I don’t mind, especially, your company.”

 

 

 

*********

 

 

 

The second time Brian saw Nick it wasn’t by accident. It was actually the day after their first meeting in the subway, when fate and destiny had decided to bring them together in such an unusual way. And, if by chance he might end up wondering if it had been all a dream, there was a purple bruise on his arm that kept reminding him how it had really happened. Not that he was going to tell Nick about the bruise, that poor guy had been so mortified about the fall and everything that he had kept apologizing all the way back home, between those few words exchanged about their lives. It had been easy talking with him, all the embarrassment and hesitation about being strangers hadn’t seemed to matter and, instead, there had been some sort of familiarity. They clicked immediately, as if they were two parts of the same being that had finally come together and was now only waiting for them to get to know each other better so they could fit perfectly for the rest of their lives.

And that scared Brian a little. He had never felt that way before, he had never felt that connection with someone who he barely knew and yet, the night before, all he could thought about was that blond guy, with those red lips and those eyes that had brightened up his day more than any other lights.

He had fallen really bad this time. Perhaps it had been because it had been so long since someone actually noticed him and tried to know him like Nick did; perhaps it was because he had been alone and lonely for so long that his soul actually craved someone’s else love and affection: someone he could send stupid and corny messages to and smile like an idiot when he would be the one receiving them; someone to call in the middle of the day, or of the night, and have long conversations with about everything and nothing, just being content and happy to hear the other’s voice. Mostly Brian’s soul and heart craved to have someone to share his life with, all those small sparks that, since almost three years, were making his days way more special than before but, sometimes, weighted on his shoulders like heavy baggage that no one never seemed to notice or care about.

That second time happened the day after, when Nick saw Nick at his workplace. Actually that was just one of his multiple jobs, but he hadn’t told Nick yet. It was just a part-time job, more of a seasonal job as Christmas trees were only sold during those two months, but the salary was good and there was just something about helping someone finding the perfect tree for their house or family. So there he was, helping an old lady who wanted a tree for her grandson who had just got married and was about to become a dad, when Brian saw Nick’s blonde hair towering above customers and the smaller trees.

“So you are sure my son is gonna love it?”

“I’m sure. How can he not love it? Once it’s decorated, that tree is gonna make you sing “White Christmas” even if you hate Christmas. – Behind the old lady, Nick smiled and grinned towards him and Brian couldn’t help but smiling back, feeling his heart growing just a little bit bigger. - And if he doesn’t, you can always come back and change it.”

“Thank you, young man.”

“Merry Christmas.”

The old lady walked away happily and Brian took the money and put it inside the cash register. Nick came up just a few moments after, smelling like snow and a hint of coffee of coffee and chocolate that made Brian want to lean over the counter and just see if Nick’s lips still tasted like that too.

Oh, yes, he really had it that bad.

“That woman seemed happy.” Nick’s voice rang above the music, the Christmas melody didn’t even stand a chance to compete against that harmonious sound that caressed Brian’s ears and senses like the softest and most impalpable of touches.

“I hope. She just wanted to make her son’s Christmas something special.”

“That sounds nice.” Nick replied, his voice carrying a pang of jealousy for something that he would never be able to have, no matter if he had already made peace with that.

“It is. – Brian agreed, noticing something in Nick’s tone and expression but not wanting to ask. They weren’t that close, no matter how much his heart was breaking to see him like that, or how much he wanted to reach out and erase that sadness from Nick’s eyes..– It’s why I love this crazy job: I like to think that I can help making someone’s else Christmas a little bit better and special. Even in a small way, like helping someone choose the perfect Christmas tree. Does it sound stupid?”

“Not at all.” Nick’s smile seemed to increase in intensity and brightness and Brian couldn’t help but smile in return, not caring about looking like an idiot.

“So, you just happen to pass by and say hello?”

“Would it be a bad thing?”

“No, no, of course no! Why should it be a bad thing?”

“Because, if it is, then I can come back later. Or tomorrow. - For a moment Brian had thought that Nick had been serious, especially because his smile had vanished, hidden behind a downcast look, as if Nick was really doubting about it. But it had been only a moment because, before he could say something to salvage the situation, a mischievous light had suddenly appeared in those blue eyes. – Or I could just wait for you in the subway and fall against you again.”

“I’m sure we can skip the whole “ _let’s crash into each other”_ now that we know each other. – Brian joked, letting a slight and small laughter fly out from his lips. – And it’s more than okay if you just want to pass by and say hello.”

“Well, hello then.” Nick whispered, his voice softening and his eyes gazing into Brian’s. And, just like the day before, it seemed like everything around them just stopped for a second: the world was muted, silenced as people kept moving their lips but no sound came out, as the radio kept playing but none of them couldn’t grasp the words or the singer’s voice. In that moment all that mattered was just reflecting inside those skies, those oceans that seemed to shine only for them, those waves that were able to submerge them without stealing away air to breathe.

“Hey you.” Brian replied, his voice a raspy whisper that brushed its fingers upon Nick’s cheek and made him long to just lean a little bit closer, over the counter, and see if Brian’s hands could be just as gentle and sweet as his voice.

“So…” Nick found himself at loss for words, his mind completely blank. Well, that wasn’t really the whole truth: the real one was that there were too many things he wanted to say, too many secrets that he wanted to share so that Brian could see his soul bare and, hopefully, he wouldn’t want to run away from him.

“So... are you really here just for me?”

“Is it really that unbelievable?”

“No one has ever come just for me.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“I’m not who you think I am. – Brian murmured, lowering his eyes hoping that Nick wouldn’t see the insecurity trying to break free and taking up the stage. – I’m just a normal guy working too much.”

Instinctually and without even thinking or reflecting about it, Nick reached out ~~a~~ nd placed his hand upon Brian’s, his fingers tightening around their wrists and hoping to... He didn’t even know, he didn’t know what he wanted to say or convey to Brian but his hand never left Brian’s, neither Brian made a gesture to take it away.

“So you don’t have time for a coffee?”

“Ah, so you are here for something.”

“Well, I wouldn’t have left my studio just for a quick hello.”

“I would love to, really. But, as you can see, the shop is so full that I doubt my boss would let me have a break.”

“I’m not in a hurry.”

“I finish working at 19.30. You can’t tell me you’re gonna wait here...”

“Well, actually, now that I’m here… - Now it was Nick’s time to lower his eyes, a sheer of shyness glowing ~~up~~ on his face and adding a faint shade of red upon his cheek. - … I guess I could ask you for advice.”

“Advice? What for?”

“A tree, actually. See… I’ve never really celebrated Christmas. Shit happened, my family has always been a nutcase manual, so it was more like a day off than a real celebration. But this year… - Nick shrugged, not once lifting his hand from Brian’s. - … It’s the first Christmas I’m celebrating in my new house and I want to do it properly: I want lights, candles, decorations all over the windows. And a tree.”

“So you aren’t here for me…”

“No, I mean… I wanted to see you again. Didn’t I tell you last night, did I? I did tell you that. But anyway…” Nick’s voice started to raise up a little, the edge of mumblings and ramblings as he felt his cheeks becoming warmer and warmer. It never happened before. Only that guy, only that sandy haired guy, seemed to reduce his brain into a muddle of water and incoherency.

“I was just kidding, Nick. – Brian interrupted Nick with a laughter and a soft smile. - But I do like your ramblings. They’re adorable.”

“Well, what I was trying to say is that I wanted to see you and I need a tree. I’m just lucky that I get to have both at the same time and place.”

“So you really need a tree. For your new house.” Brian repeated slowly.

“Yep, it’s not really an excuse to see you again. – Nick passed a hand through his hair, small puff of laughter as the tension finally melted into a warm blanket spread all over his skin. – Well, it’s not a house. It’s more an apartment. One bedroom. And a bathroom, of course. With this huge open space that should have been a living room but I use it more as a studio. It has this perfect view on Central Park and… I know I’m paying it too much but it’s just beautiful. ”

Brian stood silent for a moment, mentally going over all the trees that were stocked inside the shop: some were too big for Nick’s house and would only take away the attention from the beautiful view of the city lights behind it; at the same time, some were too small for that kind of space. Nick needed something special, something that ~~it~~ wouldn’t require too much work but that could be the perfect and right ornament for that already amazing painting.

And then, suddenly, Brian’s smile grew bigger as he came up with the right tree for Nick.

“I know what you need. It’s actually my favorite, so I’ve kept it hidden in the back so few people will ask about it. It’s a little bit expensive but, trust me, it’s worth every single penny. It will be perfect for your living room slash studio.”

“You haven’t seen it yet.”

Brian’s nose wrinkled in something that Nick could only describe as adorable, those small dimples that were basically begging him to lean over and brush them with his lips.

“I don’t need to.” Brian replied with decision and determination.

“What are you, the man who whispers to the trees?” Nick joked, an half smile and an amused look in his eyes.

“Hey, I should use it as a slogan! – Brian laughed in reply. – I don’t know, it’s just a matter of being sensitive, I guess. I don’t know. Most of the people here tries to sell the most expensive and ugly trees because that’s how you’re gonna make profits.”

“And you don’t?”

“I wanna make people happy. And I actually sell more trees than the others, so I guess it works. – Brian shrugged his shoulders, letting go of Nick’s hand only for the brief time that it took him to circle the counter and be next to him. – Come on, follow me. I’m gonna take to your tree. And I’m gonna make you a discount, don’t worry.”

“But you don’t have to. I don’t mind spending a little more, especially if it’s really the perfect one for me.” Nick replied as he started to follow Brian through the lines of green trees and customers. Or, more like, he let Brian push him into following him.

“I know. – Brian said in a breath. He probably shouldn’t even do it, especially ‘cause the real discounts would start the day after Christmas. But it was Nick and it was his favorite tree, the one he had hidden because he was saving money to actually buy it. But after he had seen Nick’s expression while he talked about his past, Brian knew that the tree was going to mean a lot more for the guy than for him. It was Nick and his favorite tree so it kinda felt right that, somehow, they were going to meet and spend the festivities together. – But I want to.”

“Okay, okay. – Nick finally gave in, as it seemed it was impossible to resist that smile and that look on Brian’s face. – Just one condition.”

“What condition?” Brian frowned a little, his left eyebrow curved into a small arch.

“Don’t worry. – Nick was quick to reassure him. – Nothing dirty. At least for now. You just have to let me buy you coffee. Or hot chocolate. Or whatever you’d like to drink.”

“Okay.” Brian replied after a second of silence, taking a few and small steps to get closer and closer to Nick.

“Okay?”

“Yes. – Brian assured. – I have to work but I would love to go out with you later.”

“Really? Like, you are serious?” Nick couldn’t believe it. He had come full of hope, that was for sure. He had jumped because there wasn’t any other solution and there was no way he could go back and live everyday without, at least, trying. But that was what it had been. Just a hope. A wish.

And it was coming true.

“I just have to make a phone call but, yes, I’m serious. – Brian replied and, without letting Nick have a moment to reply, he stood on his tiptoes and just caressed Nick’s cheek with his lips. He stepped back almost immediately, a small smile that resembled a sky full of stars, for how bright it looked like and how happy and warm made Nick feel. – Now, let’s go and see your tree.”

“Yes. – Nick breathed out, a little bit dizzy for that brief and almost impalpable kiss. He inhaled Brian’s perfume, that strange aroma that was a mix of trees and vanilla, of familiarity and love. Then he just followed Brian, still feeling his lips burn against his skin. – Let’s go to the tree.”

 

 

*********

 

 

The third time they met Nick considered it as a date.

Their first date.

It had been a date, regardless what people might say: he did ask Brian out and Brian had said yes, although maybe he should asked him out the next day, given that Brian had ended up staying in the shop until much later than promised and had looked terribly tired when he had showed up. It had been a date because, no matter how tired and exhausted he had been, Brian had just smiled so brightly and warmly that any doubts had disappeared within Nick, leaving only room for that mix of anxiety, ecstasy and anticipation that any first date brought with it.

It had been a date, although Nick had no control at all over it. It had been Brian deciding where they would meet, which had been totally fine for Nick because he had no idea of where to go: all the places he had come up with might be busy and full of people and tourists, stealing away the chance to sit down and have those hours long conversations that Nick longed and craved. He wanted to know Brian, he wanted to know everything about him, even all those small details that no one ever thought about asking or trying to remember; Nick wanted to know all about his family to the point of being able to picture a small Brian running around and already being that bright star that he was now. But, at the same time, Nick wanted to discover the darkest part of that shining sun: all the flaws and the clouds, all those storms that had decided to shake them with thunders and rains, leaving some echoes of their passage; he wanted to see the scars, hidden behind that smile that made everything sunny, so he could heal them and know exactly what not to do to hurt that heart and soul again. He wanted everything from Brian, he wanted to taste his skin and feel every bones and nerves, searching and looking for those spots that would create the most beautiful expressions and the most intense shivers. He wanted everything, he wanted to feel those lips and those hands on his body; he wanted to surrender and let Brian have every single part of his body and his soul, especially.

But, most of all, Nick wanted the normal side of love. He wanted the walks and the talks for hours and hours until the night would be over and the sun would just start to rise; he wanted that domestic life that he had only seen in movies and in books, coming back home and knowing that there was someone ready to take care of him and just be there for him.

And Nick wanted all of it with Brian. No one else.

“The coffee shop seems to be closed. - Nick exclaimed, taking count of all the lights out and without even the smallest sign of someone inside. Taking a step closer, he read the sign telling the opening and closing times and found out that it was indeed closed on that particularly day of the week. – It’s closed.”

Brian didn’t seem to show any signs of disappointment. That smile kept on beaming as he searched though his bag and came up with something; in the darkness, Nick couldn’t see exactly what it was.

“It might be closed but not for those who have the key.” And after said that, Brian turned his back to Nick and turned the key into the door, opening the closed shop as if it was his personal coffee storage.

“Wait a minute. You own the place?” Nick asked in confusion as he followed Brian inside the shop. It was all dark, although his eyes could make out the shape of tables and chairs, a long counter and one or two display cabinets that should had been full of biscuits, cookies and pies but they were now empty.

“No, thankfully not! – Brian joked, finally finding the switch and turning on all the lights. – I just work here now and then. Well, actually, I give a hand to my friend Alex but I always end up spending too much time here.”

Nick just shook his head at that information, not surprised anymore and seriously wondering how in the hell Brian managed to do all those things. Or where he found all the energy because he looked like one of those robots that hadn’t a switch off button and just kept going and going. He actually envied that.

The coffee shop’s walls were a delicate shade of chocolate, in contrast with the cream of the tiles; the same pattern was followed by tables and chairs, the first white and the latter that warm brown that just screamed to be sit on; Christmas ornaments were already decorating the place, a reassuring Santa Claus whished “Merry Christmas” on the top of the coffee machines, which Brian was now touching and playing until they came alive. That place, that small coffee shop felt like home, like a place you already knew, always known, that you would be taken care of and where you would be happy. That place that Nick was still looking for, searching and searching because he’d never had one.

A place, home, that a part of his soul felt like he could find with Brian.

“I don’t know how you do it.”

“It’s not that difficult. You just touch this button here on the back and...”

“I’m not talking about the coffee. I mean... all of the things you do. How you manage to breathe?”

“Breathing is so overrated. – Brian joked in a laugh while the coffee machine came alive and the sound of grains being blended filled the silence between their exchange. – But sometimes I forget to eat.”

“That’s something that I should learn. – Nick joined in the laugh, taking a seat at the counter and watching Brian working as if it was his house. He looked hot, the way his hands moved gracefully as if they were caressing the chords of a guitar or the keys of a piano and Nick’s mind lingered in that dangerous zone where certain thoughts dared to take place: pictures and images of those fingers caressing his skin, lingering a little bit more before slipping away and trying to get under his clothes. Oh yes, he had it really bad. – I’ve gained a little bit too much weight in the past year and it all seemed to land on my belly.”

Brian turned around, his eyes lingering over Nick’s body and checking him, an intense gaze that seemed to give force to a fire that was starting to burn from within: Nick couldn’t help but wonder what Brian was thinking, if he could really see past the clothes and manage ~~d~~ to get glimpse of scars that were now invisible but that he still knew that existed. Would Brian still want him if he saw them? If he knew what those scars meant?

“You look good. More than good, actually. – Brian whispered, his cheeks burning up with red flames. – I totally thought that you were a model when I first saw you.”

“You did? I... I can’t be a model. – Nick replied, feeling a shade of pink and warm blooming inside his heart – So, what’s on the menu?” He then changed topic quickly, still not quite comfortable or used to receive those kinds of compliments.

A few moments of silence and then, as if it by magic, Brian turned around and a hot and fuming mug appeared in front of Nick.

“Hot chocolate. I’m kinda the master, here. My.. ehm the kids here love it. They only want mine, which of course drives Alex mad because there’s no way I’m gonna tell him my secret to make it that delicious.”

The slip, that small syllable that had stole away a fragment of magic, didn’t get unnoticed by Nick. It actually sat down on his stomach, weighing with thoughts of doubts and uncertainty. Dread, especially. What was Brian going to say? His boyfriend? His husband? His wife? He should have known. Nick should have known that a guy like Brian was already taken! He had probably misunderstood each and every conversation they had had in those few days, each and every touch and brush that had made Nick feel like something deep and important was about to take control of his life and his heart.

Foolish!

Foolish and completely, utterly stupid he had been!

With a sad look on his face, Nick took the spoon and dove it inside the dark ocean contained by the ceramic walls of the mug; the smell, rolled up in circles of white smoke, already teased Nick’s senses and wrapped him around a mantel of Christmas’s spirit. It was delicious, that was something Nick couldn’t deny it. It was more than delicious, the bitter aroma of dark chocolate was softened by something that he couldn’t really point out but left a sweet aftertaste that just made you want another sip of that heavenly drink.

Maybe he had fooled himself into believing that he could make someone like Brian fall in love with him but, at least, he got this hot chocolate to drink his sorrow away.

“So, how it is?” Brian asked, standing behind the counter with his hands circling a cup of coffee.

“It’s heaven. Seriously. Heaven.”

Brian’s smile grew bigger at that compliment, a hint of pink and a bright light in his eyes that, maybe because it had been a rainy day, were a shade of grey. “I’m happy then. I would have loved to offer you some cookies but...”

“Wait a minute. Do you bake too?”

“Occasionally. As in when I have the time.”

“Oh man. If we got together, I would end up gaining so much weight that I would have to roll instead than walking.”

A shadow appeared on Brian’s face, a shadow that Nick couldn’t explain because he didn’t know what it could mean. Was Brian sad about his words? Was he about to dish out the truth, the fact that he was already taken and he was trying to end this thing they had as gently as possible?

“Nick, there is something I need to tell you. And I need to tell you now because...”

“It’s okay. – Nick interrupted Brian, a sad smile on his face and placing back his mug of chocolate. – You don’t have to say anything. I understand.”

Brian frowned his face in confusion. What was Nick saying? How, especially, did he managed to find out his secret? He had been wary. Careful not to let anything slip out before he was ready to tell him himself. And he had to, there was no way he could keep hiding it if they were to move on with that thing, whatever thing was, they had. And he wanted. More than any other times before, Brian wanted to see Nick more.

Brian wanted to go out on dates, or to just stay home and watch hundreds and hundreds of movies together. Brian wanted a chance, something that he hadn’t allowed himself to even fantasize because there had been so many things going on in his life.

“What do you mean?” Brian asked puzzled. Unsure. Afraid.

“I know, okay? I know that there is already someone else in your life.”

Brian inhaled slowly, though his heart still beat as if it was trying to escape. As if it wanted to scream that it was all a simply and stupid misunderstanding. Because Brian knew what Nick was probably thinking and he was so far from the truth.

“Oh, gosh. No, Nick. It’s not like that.” Brian hurried to explain, a slight feel of laughter starting to bubble inside his throat. He didn’t know, Brian, how Nick had managed to come to that conclusion, especially given that the only other man Brian had seen in the last few days had been Aj and just so he could ask him the key of the coffee shop.

But Nick didn’t want to hear a word more. He didn’t want to sit down there and listened to how he wasn’t the right type, or whatever excuse Brian might come up with to soften the blow. All he really wanted was to go out and get back to his flat, where a freaking Christmas tree would stand there and remind him how stupid and foolish he had been.

And so he did. So Nick got up and started to search through his pockets to find the money for the chocolate. So Nick kept his eyes low, because he could already sense his eyes swelling up with tears and he would be damned if he let Brian saw him crying.

“Sorry, Brian. You’re a great guy but... sorry, I gotta go.”

And then, just like that, Nick was gone. Out of the coffee shop. Out, possibly and unfortunately, of Brian’s life. The cold hit him as soon as he stepped foot out of the place: white and ethereal snowflakes were dancing in that black dance floor that the sky was that night; somewhere, not that far away from him, someone was singing at the top of his lungs one of those cheesy songs that Nick hated in that moment, because they were just another reminder of how those things never happened to him. He hugged closer his coat, wrapping his arms around his waist and started walking without even caring if he was going in the right direction.

Brian didn’t even take his jacket. As soon as he saw Nick leaving as fast as possible, the only thought running through his mind was to follow him. Stop him. He couldn’t let him go without explaining, without having the chance to tell him that it was just a misunderstanding; to tell Nick that there couldn’t be anyone else because his thoughts, his mind and soul had been already filled with him, with images of something that he had always dreamed of but never dared to search and find. Brian couldn’t let Nick out of his life, because he was so sure that there would never be another chance. Another opportunity to meet someone who had made him feel alive for the first time in three years.

“Nick! Nick!”

Brian didn’t care or give a damn about the icy wind hitting his skin or the snow wetting his hair. He kept observing that back walking away from him and knew that he had to get to him before he could vanish and disappear.

“Nick! Can you just stop for one second? You got all of this wrong! Please!”           

Nick sighed. But stopped. He had to because Brian sounded so desperate that his heart, his whole being, begged him to stop and turn around, to find a way to erase that tone from a voice that had always been so cheerful. Full of love.

Nick did turn around and something melt inside him when he saw Brian, standing there in the snow with only his sweater trying to keep him warm. He looked so young.

“Brian, you’re gonna catch a cold. Go inside.”

“No. – Brian’s tone was firm. Determined not to let Nick go away. – I’m gonna go inside only if you come with me,”

“Look, Brian. I know that...”

“That’s the point! You don’t know. You’ve just made up all this. If you just let me explain... please.”

There Nick couldn’t resist anymore. He couldn’t resist seeing Brian looking so small, trembling from the cold and yet his eyes and that look on his face were burning with something that he had never seen in someone else. Or better said, he had seen it but never towards him. He had seen it in those couples walking hand in hand through Central Park; the families coming into the studio and who seemed just happy to be together; he had read it in books or friends, who had already found the love of their lives, had talked him about.

Love.

Brian was looking at him with a look of love and desperation, as if he was terrified that something so precious was about to slip away through his fingers. Not something. Someone. And that someone was Nick. Maybe he had gotten it all wrong. Maybe he had just acted on impulse, afraid to let his emotions show and make a fool of himself and firmly believing that someone like Brian couldn’t be interested in someone like him.

He was really a fool!

Nick wanted, longed, to just close the distance and wrap his arms around Brian, chasing away those shivers from the cold and those sad eyes looking, no, staring at him. He wanted to say so much but, at the end, it was Brian the one taking the steps and coming closer until there was just the length of an arm between them.

“I really like you, Nick. – Brian’s voice came out in a soft whisper but it didn’t take away an inch of honesty and sincerity. He wasn’t feeling the cold, it didn’t matter if he would end up sick and he would end pushing through it as usual. What mattered was that boy in front of him, standing and looking at him as if he couldn’t believe what was happening. – I like you like I’ve never liked anybody else in my life. I don’t usually do these kind of things, I don’t usually chase boys around because they usually make clear that they don’t want to have anything to do with me and my situation. And that’s what I need to tell, even if it means hearing you saying goodbye. But I need to be fair, I have to give you the chance to decide if this is what you really want or if you want to walk away before we get too deep. Before you end up hurt and with your heart broken. And that’s the last thing I want to do.”

Nick’s voice remained stuck inside his throat. Thoughts and words were spiraling inside his mind but Nick couldn’t seem to be able to stop one and make it real. Situation? What was that supposed to mean? Was Brian sick? So Nick didn’t speak, he just took Brian’s hand and lead him back to the coffee shop until they were both standing in front of one of the tables.

“Let’s talk.” Those were the only words that came out from Nick’s mouth while he went to the counter and picked up his mug. It was still lukewarm but it was better than nothing, so he took it back to the table where Brian was sitting and placed it in front of him.

Brian took the mug with both hands, the warmth slowly spreading through his skin and within the blood. Nick, sat in front of him, still had to take off his coat and all about his posture spoke about tension and anxiety. He was anxious too because what he was about to reveal had the ability and the power to change everything. And, for once, Brian hoped that it would be for the better.  

“There’s no need to beat around the bush. The reason why I work so much, the reason why I haven’t dated anyone since forever it’s because I have a son. I’m the father of the most wonderful three year old son and he is my whole world.”

“You are a father?” Nick asked puzzled and in disbelief. How could Brian have a son? He was young, too young to be a father. And yet, deep inside, Nick found that it wasn’t such a big or shocking surprise because it was kinda fitting: Brian seemed like the guy who was just happy to settle down and have a family as soon as possible; Brian was that kind of guy who would make the perfect dad, caring and responsible. Loving, especially.

“Yes.” Brian swallowed, already dreading the next questions. That was, usually, the moment when the other guys, at least those few he had actually talked to, stormed out of his life faster than a thunder. Faster than Flash. He was waiting, yes. He was waiting for Nick to tell him that he couldn’t stay with me and could Brian not agree with him? They were young and it wasn’t fair to tie Nick up into all the responsibilities that a child brought along with.  

“I assume that the mother isn’t in the picture anymore.”

“Oh gosh, no. She isn’t. Never had been, actually. – There was no resentment inside Brian’s voice. No grudges or anger. – And that’s totally fine. I don’t condemn her choice and decision. No matter what, she will always be the woman who gave me my son.”

“So... were you two in love? Or is he a mistake? Gosh, it sounds so wrong saying like that, especially because you... – Nick’s voice trailed off, his eyes flicking with a flash of embarrassment. It was wrong saying that because Brian looked so happy just talking about the existence of his son. He looked proud. - ... your eyes shine so brightly when you talk about him. It’s so clear that you love him.”

“We weren’t in love. She was just a friend, actually, my best friend. I was going through that phase when you try to fight your true self, you know? My family is religious, I’ve grown up singing and spending most of my free time in the church so I had a hard time accepting my sexuality. Leighanne... Leighanne was just a night. A chance to prove that I could be normal, whatever normal might mean or be. And from that night of confusion I got my son. She wasn’t thrilled. She wanted to be famous, acting or modeling. She didn’t want to be tied up into being a mother or else. So I told her that I would raise him. No demands, nothing more. On my own. And I never regret that decision. Even if I have to work thousands of hours.”

“That’s... – Nick didn’t know what to say. Honorable? Giving the family he came from, something like that was out of the ordinary. One thing for sure, Nick found himself more and more in love with Brian. - ... that’s amazing. You’re amazing. I bet you’re an amazing dad too.”

“I try. – Brian replied with a laughter, clouds of breathy air that melted a layer of tension. So far it was going well. So far Nick was taking the news well. – My parents are helping me whenever they can, although I’m not the one who easily accept or ask for help. But they’re supportive and they have never tried to change my mind.”

“I bet your son is the spitting image of you. He’ll be soon breaking so many hearts.”

The words were wrapped around threads of honesty and sincerity, a compliment that didn’t want to be just a common phrase used in those kind of situations. Brian could feel fingers of love latched around those words, a desire that hurt because of that cloud of insecurity and uncertainty that loomed upon his future. Their future.

“Thanks. – Brian accepted those words and used them as a source of strength for what he was about to say. – I know it’s a lot to take in. And I will totally be okay with everything you decide. I just felt like I needed to be honest because, Nick, I’m not looking for just someone to keep me company. Or for some nights of fun and sex. I’ve done that and it’s something that I can’t afford to do anymore. I’m looking for a partner, that kind of person that stands by you and accepts the flaws of a past that it’s my present and it will be my future. I love my son, I truly do. But he’s growing up so fast and there are so many times when I feel lonely, when I wish there was someone there to share every little things he does and all the new things he learns day after day. I know it sounds strange and so weird on so many levels but you’ve filled this void. I even told Baylee about you, although you were part of a fairytale and your hair was all fluffy and perfect.”

“I hope I was the hero in the fairytale. And then there was a happy ending.”

“I know we can be something great, I know, I feel that we can be something that we only wished or saw others getting. That’s up to you.”

Silence filled the air as those words still lingered. It was the moment when everything could change in a blink, fragments of time that needed to be weighted because they could do so much harm but, at the same time, they could bring joy and happiness in two lives that had been tested by fate and destiny. Eyes were locked to eyes, hearts beat faster and faster while thoughts were dueling for being the ones who would win and get all the attention. It could be a mistake, Nick knew it. There was so much at stake but everything was pushed in the background by a single desire. A single want: he couldn’t erase Brian from his life.

He just couldn’t.

Nick wanted him in ways that he had never wanted someone else before. A son wasn’t that scary, at least not at that moment. Because, intertwined to that shocking news, there was a truth that was glimmering and shining brighter than everything else: it was the promise of a family, of being part of something that he had never had before.

And Nick wanted it. Longed for it.

“Part of me can’t wrap its head around it.”

“It’s a lot to take in, I know.”

“But, at the same time, there’s this voice that’s telling me to just kiss you.”

“Oh.” Brian didn’t expect it. Brian expected an excuse. A justification. He didn’t expect that admission. He dared to, of course. He dared to wish and believe. Hope. But he knew it was something that couldn’t happen, just like it never happened before.

“I really want to kiss you right now.” Nick repeated, leaning closer to Brian’s face as much as possible.

“But...” Brian tried to object but his mouth suddenly went dry, as if a sand storm had just decided to pour down his throat. He swallowed but nothing changed. Except just one small detail: he wanted to lean closer too. He wanted to kiss Nick too, damn his responsible side.

“We can talk later. We can talk tomorrow, the day after. A week after. And trust me, we’re gonna do it. Now I just want to kiss you.”

“I want it too.” Brian admitted, leaning closer without even thinking about it. Because there was nothing to think about it, not when Nick was staring, looking at him as if there wasn’t anything more beautiful than him. No one had ever made him feel like that, no one had ever made him feel like he was someone special.

It took only a blink of an eye. A breath of relief. A heartbeat. A second and their lips were touching, brushing in first touches that just wanted to taste and feel. That kiss, their first kiss, tasted like chocolate and mint, with an after taste of vanilla and something that now Nick could finally understand that was cinnamon. Their first kiss tasted like a new beginning, a new chance for something that had always seemed so far away and so out of reach until love had come in and shattered every walls and defenses. Brian’s lips were soft, though some parts were all chopped by the cold and wind. Nick soothed those burns, his lips brushing and gently licking as if it was the most delicious thing in the entire world. Their first kiss was just a promise, the first of a series that would made their lives better because they would be one in one, one intertwined together with the other until there was no signs of difference of individuality.   They would try, at least. They would try and that was what the promise was about.

The kiss ended but it didn’t mean that distance would place itself again between Brian and Nick. Brian still could feel a phantom feeling, Nick’s lips still on his and those sparks of love and pleasure orchestrating a melody that seemed heavenly.

“So...”

“So...”

“That was an awesome kiss.”

“Probably.”

“Probably?”

“Well, we should try once again. And again.”

“You’re eager, Mr. Littrell.”

“Not my fault you didn’t see what is hanging above us.”

Nick looked up and a laughter exploded from his throat, echoing in an air that was already filled with happiness and love: right in the middle of the table, a green and red mistletoe was hanging from the ceiling.

“I guess we have to follow the tradition and kiss again.”

 

 

 

 

*********

 

 

 

The fourth time Brian saw Nick it was the day after the kiss. Well, the kisses. Slow and interminable kisses that had left his mouth burning and pulsating, as if it was aching for the sudden vanish of its soul mate; slow kisses that had tasted as much skin as possible, trying to gather all the information so that his heart, and his mind, could recall them when the distance would become too much to bear; slow kisses that had left him dizzy, as if the air around him had been sucked away and he was just floating, living on a cloud where nothing could really touch him or make him fall on Earth.

Brian hadn’t been able to sleep that night, his body still high from the rush of emotions of the day. He actually had been afraid to fall asleep, scared that he would wake up the morning after and realize that all of that, the kisses and the aftermath of his confession, had only been a dream.

A sweet and yet terrible dream.

Images of that night had kept coming back, racing cars with no brakes that were circling and circling around his brain; hours went by, minutes were counted down while Brian drew, in his mind, all the looks and expressions that had painted Nick’s face. There was just one shade that never disappeared, unchangeable as words were spoken and secrets were left out in the open: want; longing; desire.

Love.

Nick hadn’t looked scared or terrified when he had learned about Baylee’s existence, as if being a single father wasn’t something that serious or a mountain too high to climb. As if already having a son, someone who would always come before him, wasn’t a risk or a turn off. Nick had looked puzzled, that had been understandable. Confused but, the same, he had looked like a weight had been pulled off his shoulders.

And that had been a first for Brian.

Not that he had dated or fallen in love with a lot of people in those last three years of his life. At first, he hadn’t had the time to breathe, always focused on taking care of a little child that still wasn’t adjusted to be far from his mother. Looking back now at those days and weeks, Brian always wondered how he had managed to do it: Baylee, working as much as possible so he wouldn’t have to depend on his parents, and college. The mere thought of going out, meeting someone was a waste of energies that he didn’t have in the first place so he had pushed that idea in the back of his mind, so far and away that it had been a miracle that it stayed there, waiting and waiting patiently for the right moment and time to arrive. Time passed by as Baylee grew up and became more and more independent, so curious about the world around him and so eager to go out and discover that he wasn’t the only child around the neighborhood. Time passed by and that thought, that need to have adult conversations and dates that didn’t involve tea parties or playgrounds, returned in a full force. A sudden blow right in the gut, a punch able, sometimes, to steal his breath away and squeeze his heart in a hard grip. It physically hurt that longing for someone, a company for those days when everything seemed so hard and difficult to get by, someone who would care if he skipped too many meals because he was behind for an exam or was taking up too many working hour. But that was his coping method, the only way he knew how to supply that void in his life, that absence that limited his world in a scale of gray because the only colors appeared when Baylee, when his son was around.

Nick had managed to change it, filling that void with just a bunch of smiles and laughter that had chased away some of the grays: the thrill of a phone beeping and knowing that it wasn’t just his mother or his boss calling him; hours and hours of talks, minutes stolen away just for a good night or a good morning and a day when everything had been finally clear.

Painfully clear.

He was in love. Spiraling downhill in that vortex that love was. He was in love and if he wanted to have a serious and real chance with Nick, the only thing that he could do, that he had to do, had been to be honest with Nick. Completely honest. And so the fear came back, keeping him awake because those kisses weren’t enough to push away the fear of Nick suddenly changing ideas, suddenly deciding that it was just too much.

What if the night advised Nick to run away as fast as possible? What if Nick had realized that he didn’t want to be tied down yet, blocked because the thrill of a chase had clouded his mind and let him think that he could be, that he wanted to be a sort of father?

Those fears, those doubts, had kept nagging Brian’s brain for all the day. They had stayed in a corner, waking up as soon as the thought of Nick came up or the phone started to beep for the arrival of a new message or for a call. Alerted, their ears pointed to catch a glimpse of something that would dress them as truth and reality. And those fears, those doubts, disappeared the moment Brian came back home and found Nick waiting for him outside his door.

And, of course, it had to happen the night he had a sleeping baby hanging on his shoulder as a monkey would do to its tree, his messanger bag that was trying to become a part of his skin and the groceries’ bags that his mom wanted him to take home. She was always worried that he wasn’t eating enough, no matter how many times he told her that he did indeed eat.

But he was tired. And exhausted. So, at first, Brian couldn’t believe that Nick was actually there. He blinked his eyes twice, he would had rubbed them if his arms had been free, but nothing changed. Nick didn’t disappear as if it was just an illusion from tiredness and exhaustation.

“Hey. – He managed to croak out confused, his eyebrows frowned in small hills while he tried to remember if they had a date and he had totally forgot about it. Or if he had given Nick the keys to enter, especially considered that his neighbors were always worried about thieves. – Were we supposed to meet?”

“No, no. – Nick replied, getting up on his feet. – I just wanted to come by.”

“Oh.” Brian only commented, a blush starting to paint a shade of pink on his face as a blanket of love was tenderly wrapped around his heart. No one had ever done that, surprising him after a long day just because he wanted to see him. Just because he wanted to stay with him.

“I knew it. I was totally right.”

Brian’s eyebrows raised even more, confusion settling even more while he put down the bags and started searching for the keys. “What do you mean?”

“Your son. – Nick replied with a smile. A genuine and so heartfelt smile that made Brian’s heart swell even more. – He’s totally a mini you.”

“I’ve been told.” Brian replied with a proud look upon his face as his hand, the one that wasn’t busy searching those keys that seemed to be invisible and untouchable, caressed his son’s back in affection. A soft moan of distress came from the small bundle of clothes and blonde curls and Brian shifted, trying to soothe him with inaudible words.

“You need a hand?”

“Thanks. I can’t seem to find my keys. I know I put them in my pocket but...”

“You know that this might sounds as a bad pick up line?” Nick joked but, still, came closer to Brian and starting searching for the keys that, as if it had been magic, appeared safely between Nick’s fingers. Without even being told or asked, Nick took the bags that Brian had put down and followed father and son inside the flat.

“Just give me a minute that I put Baylee in his bed. Just... make yourself at home, I guess.” Brian said a little embarrassed, because he hadn’t had the time to clean and books, his books and notes, were all scattered around the small living room. It wasn’t a big flat, the space was enough for him and his son but it was home.

Nick looked around while waiting and his attention was drawn to the small Christmas tree that sat happily and brightly in a corner next to the fire place. Suddenly realization hit him, his heart growing bigger and fuller with love, thinking, and now knowing, that Brian had actually given him the tree he was saving money to buy.

Maybe, for once in his life, the fates had decided to reward him with something special as if they wanted to apologize for all the crap he had to endure for so long.

“Sorry for the mess. I hadn’t expected anyone.” Brian appeared from what Nick guessed was the bedroom. Under the soft lights of the flat, his face looked and appeared even more tired and exhausted. Nick just wanted to reach out and pull the other guy into his embrace, caring and taking away some of that weight that had been placed on his shoulders. But he didn’t know how. Nick didn’t know if he could already dare to so, instead, he just settled to look inside Brian’s bags. Bags full of homemade food.

“You call this mess? You haven’t seen my place. That’s a mess. – The quick joke eased up the tension, a small laughter filled the air. - So, I’m guessing that you still haven’t eaten.” Nick was holding up the lasagna that Brian’s mother had given him before coming back home. Given, well, much more like forced on him, and only God knew what would happen if she found out that the food he told her it had been already eaten was hidden, instead, inside his freezer.

“You guess right.” Brian whispered, standing on the doorway and just staring at that scene in front of his eyes. So that was how it felt like coming back home to someone? How it felt to have someone caring and looking after him for once? Because it felt extremely good. Amazing.

Nick started looking around and, finally, his eyes found the oven. “You know, I might not be a great gook like you but I do know how to heat food.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I want to. You look dead on your feet.”

Brian sat down on one of the chairs in front of the counter and laid his head on his arms folded upon the cool surface. “It has been a long day.”

“I can come over another night.”

“No, no. You’re here. And it makes me feel better.”

It happened without Nick thinking over it. It happened as the over was about to ring and announce that the meal had finally reached the right temperature to be eaten. It happened because Nick just turned around and leaned over the counter, placing his lips upon Brian’s head and hair; sweetness and tenderness swept though that kiss, something that made Brian sigh because it seemed too good to be truth. Because it seemed like a dream. It happened, the kiss, because Nick didn’t know what to say. Or how to reply. No one had ever said those words to him, no one had ever made him feel like he mattered. Like he was useful and needed.

Loved.

“And you’re gonna feel even better once you’ve eaten.”

Brian raised up his eyes and just looked at Nick with those blue eyes that Nick was sure were, had to be some sort of source of magic, because they always managed to change their shade. That moment, that particular second, they were the purest shade of blue, the one that one could see on those rare days when the sky was perfectly clear and a shining sun stole the attention from anyone and anything. Nick understood it in that moment: that was what love looked like.

“Thank you.”

“About what? It’s your mother that you should thank. This lasagna smell amazing.”

“We can share it, you know? I never be able to eat the whole thing.”

“Plates, then. – Brian started to sit up but Nick blocked him even before he could do it. – Just tell me where they are.”

“The drawer above the sink. Forks and knives are in the one near the stove.”

Nick followed Brian’s instruction and, quickly, the counter was set and the food ready to be tasted inside the plates. Silence fell for some quite minutes, both of them just enjoying each other’s company and starting to get comfortable in that new situation, something that they could imagine happening more and more in the future. Something they had imagined but couldn’t quite picture the person who would sit in front of them.

“So... I actually came here for something. Two things. No, sorry. Three.”

“That’s a lot of things.” Brian replied with a smile.

“I know. And I might even forget one of them so just let me talk, okay?”

“I’m all ears.”

“First, you were right.”

“About what? I mean, I’m always right so you have to be a little more specific...”

A soft laugh escaped from Nick’s lips. Hands touched each other, brushing tenderly the skin of the fingers, and then stayed like that, as if they didn’t want to interrupt that contact. “The tree. You were right. It’s perfect for my apartment.”

Brian’s eyes lit up at those words, happy and glad that his favorite tree had found a place where it could shine instead than just standing there in a corner while everyone was much more interested in all the gifts under its branches. “Have you started decorating it yet?”

“Yes. I followed your advice and didn’t overdo it. It’s minimal but it’s... it’s perfect.”

“I’m happy then.”

“You should come one day and see it for yourself. – Nick proposed, a tiny tremble of insecurity dripping from his voice. – You can bring Baylee too. Actually, you know what? Bring him with you and then we can go to the park and skate, what do you think? Maybe a hot chocolate, though it won’t be good and perfect like yours. What do you think?”

“I think it’s a perfect idea.” Brian whispered, touched by that image painted in the air. It was indeed an amazing idea. Or, maybe, it was the thought behind it. The implications, that sort of implied message that wanted to reassure Brian, telling him that it didn’t matter whether he was a father or not. Or, on the contrary, it mattered and Nick didn’t want to make it seem like Baylee wasn’t an important and fundamental part of Brian’s world. Nick accepted it and that was just another reason, another motive, to love the boy even more. He tightened his grip around Nick’s hand, fingertips brushing and caressing the line of the bone and what seemed to be a small and almost invisible scar on Nick’s wrist. A frown appeared on his forehead, worry and terror quickly sweeping inside and making him wondering about what Nick might have concealed from him.

Something must had showed on his face because, suddenly, Nick’s smile faltered and diminished. “That was the second thing I came to tell you. It should have been the first but... – He lowered his gaze, as if suddenly he couldn’t stand looking at those eyes that held so much love and reassurance. Would those eyes still shine the same even after? After his secret would be out? - ... You’ve been honest with me so it’s fair that I should do the same.”

“It’s not a matter of being fair. Nick, if you aren’t sure or if you need to trust me more, I can wait. I can wait until you’re ready.”

“I already trust you, Brian.”

And it was true, oh if it was! Nick couldn’t really explain why it had been so easy feeling that way towards someone who he still didn’t quite know well and, yet, that was what had happened. Trust never came easily for him, not with all his past and the scars that his soul bore for every time he had tried to open himself up to someone else; being alone, not trusting, was so much safer. He had liked it, in a way. Or that had been the lie he had to tell himself just to survive, just to live in that sort of limbo where loneliness, that cold and icy feeling that had already built a nest inside his heart, couldn’t really have any power or a hold on his life.

Brian shattered those walls. Brian, with just one smile, had managed to undo years and years of hurt and disappointment, of being left alone and abandoned by those people who were supposed to love him and, instead, did the complete opposite. Brian made him feel special, like he deserved all the love in the world. Even if only for a couple of days, Brian had made him feel so loved, so appreciated and so spoiled that Nick knew that he wouldn’t be judged for all the things he had done in the past. Those eyes, those blue and shining clouds, were now looking at him with such understanding and comprehension, even though they had yet to know what was about to be told.

Fingertips started to caress the skin of the hand, that hand that was safely protected by Brian’s. It was much more intimate than a kiss or a hug. It was much more, that simple gesture of holding and cradling a hand as if it was the most precious thing in the world, no, the entire known universe: holding hands was like talking in a special language, words that could only be expressed in that way. _“You’re safe. I’m here and I’ll still be here no matter what.”_

“Then just know that I won’t turn away, no matter what you ~~will~~ tell me. – Brian’s words were just like a balsam, a soothing touch and caress that Nick held on to and drew strength from. – We both have our ghosts, maybe yours weight more and are bigger. But they don’t define you. They don’t define what we are just starting to have.”

Something started to prick his eyes and Nick knew that those were just tears, drops of defiance and surrender because Brian’s love and openness were just something that he couldn’t even begin to define. Or imagine, let alone hold in his bare hands. From being rejected without explanation to being accepted as he was. Was that really happening to him? Could Brian really be real or was that just a fragments of his imagination, a dream and a fantasy that Nick had made up to comfort himself in that cold and lonely December? Yet that hand, that warm hand placed upon his, was the proof that it was all indeed true and real.

Nick took a long breath, not knowing where he should begin or how. He hadn’t a speech ready, he hadn’t prepared anything aside himself for what he had to say. So he just put his hand inside his coat’s pockets and brought out a token: it was bigger than normal coins and, from his position, Brian could only see that there were some sort of words, letters or numbers, encrypted on its surface.

“I bring this thing with me all the time. – Nick explained as he flipped the coin between his fingers. – I think it’s some sort of comfort blanket, the proof that not only I’ve survived but I literally made it through and turned my whole life around. This token is just plastic but it’s the reminder that I’ve been sober and that I haven’t touched a drug for a year. Actually a year and ten days.”

Brian didn’t speak. There was a shade of shock intertwined between the lines that were frowning his face but his eyes, oh, his eyes didn’t stop shining with that light of love and acceptance. There wasn’t pity, something that Nick had learned to shield from whenever he told someone about his history; there wasn’t the “ _oh, I’m so sorry that it happened to you”_ that usually made him much more closed off because that token wasn’t his whole story. As Brian just said a few moments before, that part of his past didn’t and wouldn’t ever define him.

“I’m not ashamed. I used to be, of course. It took me a long time before I was able to even stand up and tell my story at the AA meetings. But there is where I learned that it’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“You shouldn’t. – Brian said, underlining those words with more force and intensity that he could ever be capable of. – Each one of us has his way of destroying himself during hard times. What matters is coming out from them. You did. That’s all I care about.”

“You’re not going to think that I was a stupid and idiot for even starting to drink or doing drugs?”

“I’ve learned not to judge someone else’s past. I’ve been there. I know how it feels to be looked down and judge without even knowing why I got here. With a son when I’m a child myself. But I was lucky, you know? I’m lucky because I have support and love. Something I believe you didn’t have when you needed the most.”

Nick wanted to ask Brian how he could do it, how he could just know things of him without even knowing him. Or his story. And yet, he could. And yet, he understood him like no one had ever done. And that was the reason why Nick just kept talking. And explaining.

“My parents... let’s just say that they weren’t supposed to have children. I think that, in some ways, they did love me and my brothers but they were too busy hating each other to actually teach us what love was and how to. I started working at a young age and suddenly everything changed. Suddenly I wasn’t just a son anymore but I became something useful. I was just money for them. And when I realized that, when I actually understood that that was what I would always be for them, I lost myself. I tried looking for love and acceptance wherever I could and I ended up even worse, because people wanted me for what I could bring them and not for who I was. And one day... one day it got really bad. One day I just decided that, maybe, the world would have been better without me in it. - It still scared him. The memories of that nigh were still embossed in his mind, along with the emotions and that hollow feeling that had taken control of him: that night he really thought that there wasn’t any other solution, that he couldn’t keep living when no one seemed to care or to love him. The scar was still there. Faint. Almost invisible. But it was there. And, without knowing, Brian’s fingertips were caressing it without trembling or second thoughts. As if they already understood. - Obviously, I got lucky. I survived. I got a second chance and I told myself that I couldn’t waste it doing all those stupid things that I’ve done just because I was angry to the world. I decided that I wanted to be happy, that I deserved to be happy: I went to rehab, I attended meetings and I found a place and a job that are only mine. Mostly, I cut off all those people who dragged me down and who kept reminding me of who I was. That Nick that didn’t know better than to let other people use him so he could have a resemblance of love.”

“I’m sorry. – Brian said and nothing in his voice was filled with pity or just sorrow. There was just comprehension and pain, as if Brian’s soul was aching for that lost boy that still lingered inside Nick’s eyes. – I’m sorry that no one was there for you.”

“It’s okay. – Nick replied, a soft and warm smile curving his lips hearing and actually feeling Brian’s love pulsing and rushing through him. – Now I know better. Now I know that love is something totally and completely different because I met you. Because you showed me what it feels to actually be loved, even if I know you only for a couple a days. You treated me as if I was someone special, someone so rare that has to be treated with care and attention.”

“You are. Special, I mean.”

Red and flames started to flush Nick’s cheeks as a warmth blanket was placed and covered his heart and soul. If he needed anymore proof that Brian was different from any other person he had ever met before, that was the ultimate one. That was ultimately won him over and made him realized that happiness wasn’t just something so distant and unreachable. Happiness and love were there in front of him, in the shape and colors of a guy that had already taken a place inside his life.

“I want this, Brian. I want to be happy with you. I want us to be happy. That’s why I wanted to tell you the truth. I wanted you to see the real Nick, with all his scars and fears. I can’t promise you that I will always be sober because it doesn’t work like that. There are days when I don’t feel tempted, when I can work and function as a normal as possible. And then something happens, something triggers memories and that’s where danger lies. That’s why I can only promise you that I’ll try my best...”

“That’s all I need to know, Nick. – Brian cut him off, getting up and circling the table so that he could stand next to him, his hand never letting go of Nick’s. – You do know that Baylee is my first concern and the most important person in the world and I trust you not to put him in danger, if one of those bad days might happen.”

“I know, Brian. That’s... I can’t, I won’t...”

Brian placed a finger upon Nick’s lips, silencing his anxiety and doubts before they could get a hold of him. “I trust you. I trust you to do your best. The only thing I’m going to ask you is to trust me as well.”

“Trust you? What...? I...”

“I believe the same, you know? I believe that we can be something special. I believe that we can be that family that we’ve always dreamed of. But we have to work for it. Every day. And whenever you feel like it’s too much, whenever a bad day is about to happen, I want you to come to me and trust me to help you as much as I can. You’re not alone, anymore. You have me, whatever happens.” And, before Nick could say, or actually be able to form a logic sentence and shatter that lump inside his throat, Brian lowered his head and placed his lips upon that faint, white and almost invisible scar.

Nick couldn’t hold back anymore. He had tried to keep his emotions at bay but that kiss, that gentleness and tenderness was just a wave too high and too strong to face and win. No one had ever treated him in that way, no one had touched that scar as if it was something beautiful, instead than a symbol of everything that had gone wrong in his life. Warm tears started to stream down his face, sobs made their way along his throat, finally able to escape. Nick didn’t hold them back and just hid his face inside Brian’s hair, letting himself being comforted and reassured as he finally let himself hope.

Hope that he had finally found a place to call home.

A heart to call family.

His family.  

 

**Author's Note:**

> Finally I can share this story that I've written for the Make The Yultide Gay 2015. ^.^


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